Farewell To The King

Nooooooooooo, say it ain’t so!

Burger King Kills Off King Mascot Commercials

Burger King has decided that putting a creepy plastic mask on a robe-wearing human body isn’t good for business. After declining sales, the world’s second largest hamburger chain has decided to end its advertising campaign featuring the King mascot and instead focus its advertising on the food itself, beginning this week with commercials for its newest avocado and cheese-bearing product.

Since advertising firm Crispin Porter + Bogusky began working with Burger King in 2003, the King has been at the forefront of their campaigns. In the “Wake Up With the King” series meant to sell the chain’s new breakfast sandwiches, for example, unwitting customers wake up to find the silent mascot lurking outside of their windows or next to them in bed. We’re guessing that the narrator’s raspy voice also didn’t help “appeal to [the] broader audience” Burger King spokesman Miguel Piedra says the brand wants to attract.

See also:
Burger King Mascot to be Retired
Burger King mascot out, California Whopper in: Fast food company to focus more on menu items in ads
Anarchy in the BK: Burger King mascot dethroned
Burger King Dethrones Its Creepy ‘King’ Mascot
Burger King Mascot Gets the Boot From Fast Food Giant
Burger King retires its royal pitchman
Farewell To The King: California Whopper, Not Mascot, Will Star In BK Ad
Burger King Fires the “King”Burger King Retires Creepy, Mute Mascot
BK drops the king, adds guacamole
Creepy mascot, we hardly knew ye!
An Open Letter to the Deposed Burger King, From Fork in the Road

Okay, so The King was a little creepy, but the commercials were awesome, cult classics! At least he wasn’t boring like showing 30 seconds worth of retouched pictures of highly stylized food that looks absolutely nothing like the mangled, defective product you actually get in the store. Boo, the King will be missed.

/I mean, damn, first McDonalds wipes out Ronald McDonald and now Burger King kills off The King, what is the world of Big Burger coming to, how long will it be before Wendy’s takes Wendy out back and shoots her too?

To Ass Bombers And Beyond!

Here comes the al Qaeda Rump Rangers, the Pussy Patrols, and now the Implant Infantry, with explosives in every orifice and more. Coming soon to an airport near you, body cavity searches and even more intrusive screening methods. Enjoy your flight!

Al Qaeda looks at surgical implants to get a bomb past airport security

Al Qaeda operatives in Yemen recently discussed surgically implanting an explosive device under the skin of a suicide bomber to get past airport detectors and blow up a U.S.-bound passenger plane, a U.S. official said Wednesday.

There is no indication of an immediate plot, but the government has warned airlines, stepped up security at U.S. airports and encouraged other countries to adjust security measures.

The focus is mostly on international flights, but domestic passengers are likely to see more bomb-sniffing dogs and an increased use of swabs that test for traces of explosive material on hands and luggage.

See also:
Al Qaeda ‘Belly Bombs’ Entirely Possible, Doctor Says
US warns of new ‘belly bomb’ terror threat
Airport scanners would not catch an implant bomber: Admission as officials announce ‘more passenger interaction’
Al Qaeda plots to implant bombs in fanatics to beat body scanners
US warns airlines of threat of ‘implanted bombs’
Beware new breast implant bomb, feds warn: Terrorists may try to sneak in explosives in implants
Terrorist threat of ‘human bombs’ means tighter airport security
TSA warns of implant bombers, prepares fliers for swab tests
Threat of Human Bombs Could Make Flying Difficulties Even Worse
American airports warned of potential ‘belly bomb’ threat
Qaeda plots body bombs
The new terrorist threat: undetectable, surgically implanted bombs
TSA Warns of Possibility of Surgically Implanted Bombs
TSA warns airlines of explosive implants in people’s bodies
Terrorists may try to surgically implant bombs in their bodies, TSA warns

Putting aside just how effective an explosive detonated inside the body would actually be, it’s a threat and so we have to try and defend against it, and that means al Qaeda has already won just by making the threat. As much as al Qaeda would love to take down a few airliners, their main objective is to cause as much economic damage and societal inconvenience as possible to our Western way of life and this sure ought to do it.

/unless we’re going to start doing some serious profiling in conjunction with comprehensive intelligence, we really have no practical defense against the concept of a “body bomb”, without performing prison style body cavity searches and cranking those x-ray machines up past eleven